Just over a week ago I set myself the following 6 rules:
1) No Caffeine
2) No Alcohol
3) Positive Mental Attitude
4) Save Money
5) Keep Smiling
6) Stay Fit
I may not stick to them forever but I hope to make some positive changes in my life by following them strictly for as long as I deem necessary/possible.
I feel I have made a fairly good start to my campaign and I hope that by reviewing each rule individually I can identify and monitor my progress as each week passes.
1) No Caffeine - The area of my life where this was really starting to become a habit was at work: I would almost invariably have a can of coke during a shift at work to give me a boost during the second half of my shift; I worked 3 times in the last week and got by without one. Unfortunately I inadvertently consumed caffeine earlier this evening whilst drinking Irn Bru. I didn't realise that it contained caffeine until I checked the label, having already consumed almost 1 litre of the stuff. Overall I am pleased with my effort
2) No Alcohol - So far so good. Socially, this rule is a nightmare! In the pub on Monday I endured a constant barrage of comments which were, in the main, attempts to goad me into breaking at least one of my newly implemented rules. It was all "banter" and I took it as it was meant. I do feel, however, that I ended up somewhat fading into the background in an environment where I would normally be wallowing in the thick of the action. Perhaps this difference is perceptive rather than an actuality - I know I was also tired and hungry at the time.
On the two other occasions this week when I was out and about with friends I had mixed results. Wednesday I had a great time in the pub on a spontaneous little Culcheth evening. I invented the "lime bomb" - the non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, jaegerbomb equivalent - and stayed up til the early hours playing amusing party games. Thursday I did a sober night out in Leigh... I won't be doing that again.
Overall I feel that this rule will be a very difficult one to maintain - although I feel like I should be strong enough to just be myself, be comfortable with myself and enjoy myself whilst sober, there are certain environments where I am highly self-conscious and hyper-critical of my worth - the occasional hangover and mild liver-damage may end up feeling like a small price to pay to alleviate those thoughts. The praise I have received from people who I hold in high regard is what I am trying to focus on, as well as the money I'm saving.
3) Positive Mental Attitude - This rule is very, very difficult for me. Sometimes I just feel low. The times where I am suffering lows of mood are painfully obvious to those who are close to me. I try to hide it but I just can't approach the world with the same enthusiasm when something is troubling me. Often when I talk to people about it they become frustrated with me because I am stubborn and they are unable to positively affect my mood. I have a belief that lows of mood are part and parcel of life and that it will be that way for as long as I live - I don't think they can be avoided. Because of this, when I feel low, I just try to accept that I am low and that is just the way that it is. The whole time I am feeling that way I am still focused on two positive things: a) this feeling will pass b) I am going to be successful. A cuddle and a change of subject usually helps though - I'll be thinking you're a ******* for trying to solve all my problems with such a simple solution but I'll also be admiring your audacity, bravery and effort.
That little tangent aside, I have, on reflection, had a good week. I've worked 3 times, which is a decent amount of shifts for me. I won Monday Night Poker for the first time ever, which is especially positive considering I wasn't going to bother with it at all. I've spent lots of time with my friends, which never fails to make me happy. And I've stuck to my rules almost perfectly - proof that the tenacious little monster inside of me is still there and prepared to help me achieve all of my ambitions. I need to keep focusing on the little victories - they are the foot holes in the mountain I am determined to climb.
4) Save Money - I think it's crass to publish actual figures in my blog (not that any of the figures I'd be posting would be significant), but if I think of my incomings this week as 3 shifts worth of money + the added bonus of my poker winnings, then I have definitely had a week where I have greater incomings than outgoings. I hope I can continue to accumulate money in order to build the required finance to achieve some of my life goals.
5) Keep Smiling - I need to try harder with this one. I have probably spent the vast majority of the week with a smile on my face but I have occasionally allowed myself to indulge in my own self-pity a little too often. Writing this review has made me realise that it was foolish of me to have gotten down over some of the things which have bothered me in the last 7 days.
6) Keep Fit - I have tried hard with this goal but it has definitely been a source of frustration for me recently. I am suffering from arm pain similar to that which put me in hospital - it is likely to be anxiety-related rather than muscle damage but it is still preventing me from training at the level that I would like to be training at. I am hoping that I can work through it and learn to find a way to cope. In the meantime I am training in short 30-minute sessions at least once every 2 days.
The biggest thing I have learnt this week as a result of these changes is that I seem to derive my pleasure mainly from others. This is evident in my week's highlights:
On Monday my highlight was seeing everybody drinking the jaegerbombs I'd promised to buy if I won the poker tournament - sitting in the corner of the pub watching the chaos evolving around me I couldn't help feeling like I was part of something that I didn't really belong to - at the same time, though, it was satisfying knowing that I was watching something that I'd been part of so many times before.
On Wednesday my highlight was walking the dogs of Radcliffe Farm with my new-found international friends. Throwing a stick for a golden retriever is a simple pleasure but it is one where I feel competent, confident and... wanted(?) - things that I often have to bluff at in other situations. It made me particularly happy when said golden retriever came running after me when it was time for me to leave. I wish I had that effect on everybody!
On Thursday (super early in the morning) my highlight was playing Lodden Thinks and the game where you have a famous person's name on your head and have to guess who it is. I ended up crying laughing - I actually felt sort of drunk at the time, but I was just really enjoying the stupidity and simplicity of our evenings events and how much joy they were bringing to everybody involved.
Here's hoping the next week can be as successful as this one has been.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Friday, 17 August 2012
Changes
I've been lamenting a lot recently about the stagnicity of my life at present. I've talked in depth, with several people, about the fact that there are many things in my life right now which I have little/no control over and the frustration that it causes me. Tonight I am resolving to change the things that I CAN change, using my blog as a public record of my efforts.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Anxiety and Depression: Reflection
I feel really quite sad at the moment.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Olympics Day ?: We've Created a Monster!
One glance at my Facebook news feed is all it takes to realise just how successful the current GB Olympic campaign has been.
Sat third in the overall medal table, Team GB have well and truly delivered on their goal of inspiring a nation and evoking national pride. I'm truly excited about what this could mean for the (cliche alert) "next generation" and I am truly proud of my nation's sports stars right now... But I'm afraid I fear the worst for our subsequent Olympic campaigns......
Before the goldrush of the last 48 hours or so I spoke with a local swimming coach about our nations ability to develop talent and produce world-beating athletes. Our conversation produced an alarming conclusion: At some point our rate of success will have to reach it's peak - at one moment in time our yearly medal hall will, logically, have to fall from the previous year.
The fear I have, is that Rio 2016 may be that moment. The response of a nation, filled with expectation and hope, seeing it's athletes fail to surmount previously conquered peaks could really be detrimental to long-term sustained development of youth sport and exercise in the UK. Don't get me wrong, the immediate and short term effect of London 2012 is likely to be fantastic and I'm so proud of what our nation has achieved. But is it really enough to inspire just one generation?
For now I intend to enjoy seeing the fruits of Sport England's labour (and all the other NGB's and Sport Development Charities) and I hope this Olympics continues to be a major success story.
Fingers crossed it isn't just a flash in the pan.
Sat third in the overall medal table, Team GB have well and truly delivered on their goal of inspiring a nation and evoking national pride. I'm truly excited about what this could mean for the (cliche alert) "next generation" and I am truly proud of my nation's sports stars right now... But I'm afraid I fear the worst for our subsequent Olympic campaigns......
Before the goldrush of the last 48 hours or so I spoke with a local swimming coach about our nations ability to develop talent and produce world-beating athletes. Our conversation produced an alarming conclusion: At some point our rate of success will have to reach it's peak - at one moment in time our yearly medal hall will, logically, have to fall from the previous year.
The fear I have, is that Rio 2016 may be that moment. The response of a nation, filled with expectation and hope, seeing it's athletes fail to surmount previously conquered peaks could really be detrimental to long-term sustained development of youth sport and exercise in the UK. Don't get me wrong, the immediate and short term effect of London 2012 is likely to be fantastic and I'm so proud of what our nation has achieved. But is it really enough to inspire just one generation?
For now I intend to enjoy seeing the fruits of Sport England's labour (and all the other NGB's and Sport Development Charities) and I hope this Olympics continues to be a major success story.
Fingers crossed it isn't just a flash in the pan.
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