This time last year I was still a student! I had no idea what the future had in store but I was determined that 2012 would be a good year for me. I was ready to work hard and make whatever sacrifices were necessary to improve myself and the world around me. I started with my new years resolutions:
1) Be in less of a state when writing goals for 2013
2) Stronger, Fitter, Heavier
3) Get one piece of writing published
4) Make any one other person smile everyday
5) 2:1 or better
6) Find joy in the things I do and spread joy amongst others
7) Never give up on something I believe in
The first thing that strikes me is how many of these things I failed at! Particularly 3 and 5 - I graduated with a 2:2 in sport and exercise science from Sheffield Hallam and, though I don't think it will make a difference in the long run (my CV still says "2nd class honours" and nobody ever asks), it was dissapointing to miss my goal. I am still proud to have graduated at the first attempt after facing some of the darkest days and nights of my life. The published writing thing is a goal I forgot that I had...!
I think I can conclusively say that I've achieved the first goal but by luck more than judgement - last night was my first alcohol free night for something like 10 days. I love it when my social life gets hectic but I start to resent myself after prolonged periods of abusing my liver!
The rest of my goals fall somewhere between failure and success. I am certainly heavier and close to my peak weight but I don't feel very strong or very fit at the moment. This is partly to do with the fact that I am out of training due to the fact that I have been focussing much of my effort on my professional life, but also simply because my training cycle tends to peak during the summer months. I expect to be the strongest, heaviest ane fittest I have ever been come May/June 2013 and this is very much due to the foundations which I laid down earlier this year by training hard during the tennis season. I feel that this is a success.
The rest of my goals are hard to measure and, I guess, represent my underlying values. The smile goal was particularly interesting and was one of the best things I have ever challenged myself to do. I found that it was actually fairly straightforward - all you need to do is devote 5 minutes of your day to somebody else... let them know they are cared about. I think it is something we should all endeavor to do - the world can be a cold, heartless place, but we are all cared for by somebody and we all know people we care about. Perhaps we should let each other know a little more often that we're not alone. It is likely that I failed this goal as I think there are likely to be days where I didn't really speak to anybody. Regardless, I feel like I succeeded as I kept this goal in my mind every day and still deliberately adhered to it as recently as yesterday.
I will always remember 2012 for... The summer months I spent with Saskia, Teresa & the nutters at the Pack Horse
My proudest moment of 2012 was... being woken by a phone call from work saying that they needed me there ASAP and subsequently working as hard as I ever have to "save the day" and, as a consequence, securing a significant amount of contracted hours.
My highlight of 2012 was... Sitting in my graduation gown having a fabulous meal with my mum, dad and grandma on the day of my 22nd in my favourite city in the whole wide world. Something of a collectors item and a memory I will cherish forever.
I probably should have... thought a little less and acted a little more
I probably shouldn't have... drank so much!
I have learnt... that hard work, dedication and belief in myself DOES get rewarded but there is nothing more important in life than occasionally putting it all to one side to share in experiences with the people you love.
Finally... I have made many new friends in 2012 and shared some amazing experiences with the people around me. Unfortunately many of those around me also suffered the loss of Terry Faye - a man who I feel I owe a lot to. Terry's friendly nature and the way he welcomed me the first time I played poker made me feel comfortable in an environment which has now become like a second home for me. Without him I would perhaps not have made some of the friends that I've made, not made some of the amazing memories and quite simply, not be the same person I am today. Thanks for everything Tezza, I miss you.
I will write my goals for 2013 in another post at another time. I'm going to sit here and reflect for a little while longer first. Here's to 2012
Monday, 31 December 2012
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Chasing Butterflies
Sunshine,
Summertime,
Chasing butterflies,
Racing riverside,
Daylight stutters by,
Night-time: come alive,
Day-time: just survive.
Hazy, heady, hateful, headache.
Appetite diminished,
Heartbreak.
A masterpiece, perfected plan,
Unravelled by the hands of man.
Sonata on a broken lute -
A ditty on a crooked flute,
Sordid, imperfected tune.
Ashes smoulder at my feet,
Another sundance, now complete.
Another stable torn to pieces,
Another victim of disease.
And the only colour left at all,
Stood by a crumbled, fallen, wall,
A rainbow moth trapped in a jar,
A pretty little summer scar;
Tattooed upon this broken structure,
A little to remind me of the,
Sunshine,
Summer,
Summertime,
When we went chasing butterflies.
Summertime,
Chasing butterflies,
Racing riverside,
Daylight stutters by,
Night-time: come alive,
Day-time: just survive.
Hazy, heady, hateful, headache.
Appetite diminished,
Heartbreak.
A masterpiece, perfected plan,
Unravelled by the hands of man.
Sonata on a broken lute -
A ditty on a crooked flute,
Sordid, imperfected tune.
Ashes smoulder at my feet,
Another sundance, now complete.
Another stable torn to pieces,
Another victim of disease.
And the only colour left at all,
Stood by a crumbled, fallen, wall,
A rainbow moth trapped in a jar,
A pretty little summer scar;
Tattooed upon this broken structure,
A little to remind me of the,
Sunshine,
Summer,
Summertime,
When we went chasing butterflies.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Lucid Dreaming
I experienced lucid dreaming for the second, maybe third, time today. It is such a bizarre sensation that I thought I would try to write about it.
For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is a dream where a person becomes aware that they are dreaming but does not wake up. Once a dreamer is aware of the fact they are dreaming they are able to shape the dream and influence it's occurrences.
The first time it happened to me I found it really scary. I thought I was trapped in the dream and didn't know how I was going to wake myself up. Part of me thought I was dead or comatose - unable to get back to "normal life." Today I experienced these thoughts once again but had a little more knowledge on my side.
One problem with lucid dreaming is that it is very confusing for me. My mind is basically stuck in the state most people get into when they have just woken up - I have only ever experienced lucid dreaming when I have been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and have decided to nap during the day. Since I am already functioning sub-optimally, throw into the mix the fact that much of my brain is switched off in order to keep me asleep and you can begin to see why comprehending what is happening can sometimes be a little difficult.
Today my dream became REALLY difficult to keep track of since there were three levels of dream (I know, Inception right!). In the "top" level I was controlling the dreams and was aware that I was doing so. It still felt like it was actually happening though. At one point I remember I was sat on the floor of a bus stop, next to a friend. She had her leg resting across my ankle and I remember thinking "I know this is not real but I am sure I can feel it." It didn't matter what I did in the dream the sensations I experienced felt like they were genuinely happening (what I am saying is that it is likely there was nothing actually on my leg - my brain was just convinced that there was despite knowing that there wasn't! So strange). This level was non-sequitur and the location and people would change drastically each time I visited it.
When I "woke" from the top level I found myself in the middle level of the dream. This was really confusing for me as I genuinely thought I was awake in the middle level. At one point I was somewhere between the two levels - I was conscious of the fact that the scene playing out didn't exist the way it felt to me but I thought one of the people in the dream was with me in the actual room in level 2 (which I thought was the real world). At this point I was scared because the person was telling me that I was talking to two people in the real world who didn't exist and also to the person herself... who did. I hugged the person and asked her not to leave me - I was once again stuck unable to wake from my lucid dream and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
Eventually I realised that the middle level was also a dream and decided it was OK to "sleep" in the middle level and experience lucid dreams at the top level. I did this a couple of times and, as I said before, the dreams at the top level were totally different each time, but I kept waking to the same scene in the middle level and would often get confused and think that it was real.
I taught myself a trick to know when I was genuinely in the real world. If, when I thought I was awake, I looked to the right and saw a red box above my wardrobes, I knew I was actually awake - the scene to my right in the middle level was not identical to my bedroom; which was where I knew I must be sleeping.
I woke up properly a couple of times but decided to go back to sleep. The strange thing about lucid dreaming is that you can pick up where you left off previously. I would just close my eyes and be back in the top level. Every time I woke from there I seemed to be in the middle level but I was beginning to learn how to control the middle level so that I could wake if I wanted to, or just return to the top level. I still found it a little confusing and scary but was much more comfortable with it once I had taught myself to be able to wake up.
I'm looking forward to the next time this happens as I believe I was starting to exert a lot of control over it. It is said to be a skill which many can use to relax and develop mental strength and tranquillity - similar to meditation.
And no, I don't do drugs!
For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is a dream where a person becomes aware that they are dreaming but does not wake up. Once a dreamer is aware of the fact they are dreaming they are able to shape the dream and influence it's occurrences.
The first time it happened to me I found it really scary. I thought I was trapped in the dream and didn't know how I was going to wake myself up. Part of me thought I was dead or comatose - unable to get back to "normal life." Today I experienced these thoughts once again but had a little more knowledge on my side.
One problem with lucid dreaming is that it is very confusing for me. My mind is basically stuck in the state most people get into when they have just woken up - I have only ever experienced lucid dreaming when I have been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and have decided to nap during the day. Since I am already functioning sub-optimally, throw into the mix the fact that much of my brain is switched off in order to keep me asleep and you can begin to see why comprehending what is happening can sometimes be a little difficult.
Today my dream became REALLY difficult to keep track of since there were three levels of dream (I know, Inception right!). In the "top" level I was controlling the dreams and was aware that I was doing so. It still felt like it was actually happening though. At one point I remember I was sat on the floor of a bus stop, next to a friend. She had her leg resting across my ankle and I remember thinking "I know this is not real but I am sure I can feel it." It didn't matter what I did in the dream the sensations I experienced felt like they were genuinely happening (what I am saying is that it is likely there was nothing actually on my leg - my brain was just convinced that there was despite knowing that there wasn't! So strange). This level was non-sequitur and the location and people would change drastically each time I visited it.
When I "woke" from the top level I found myself in the middle level of the dream. This was really confusing for me as I genuinely thought I was awake in the middle level. At one point I was somewhere between the two levels - I was conscious of the fact that the scene playing out didn't exist the way it felt to me but I thought one of the people in the dream was with me in the actual room in level 2 (which I thought was the real world). At this point I was scared because the person was telling me that I was talking to two people in the real world who didn't exist and also to the person herself... who did. I hugged the person and asked her not to leave me - I was once again stuck unable to wake from my lucid dream and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
Eventually I realised that the middle level was also a dream and decided it was OK to "sleep" in the middle level and experience lucid dreams at the top level. I did this a couple of times and, as I said before, the dreams at the top level were totally different each time, but I kept waking to the same scene in the middle level and would often get confused and think that it was real.
I taught myself a trick to know when I was genuinely in the real world. If, when I thought I was awake, I looked to the right and saw a red box above my wardrobes, I knew I was actually awake - the scene to my right in the middle level was not identical to my bedroom; which was where I knew I must be sleeping.
I woke up properly a couple of times but decided to go back to sleep. The strange thing about lucid dreaming is that you can pick up where you left off previously. I would just close my eyes and be back in the top level. Every time I woke from there I seemed to be in the middle level but I was beginning to learn how to control the middle level so that I could wake if I wanted to, or just return to the top level. I still found it a little confusing and scary but was much more comfortable with it once I had taught myself to be able to wake up.
I'm looking forward to the next time this happens as I believe I was starting to exert a lot of control over it. It is said to be a skill which many can use to relax and develop mental strength and tranquillity - similar to meditation.
And no, I don't do drugs!
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Changes: Week 1 Review
Just over a week ago I set myself the following 6 rules:
1) No Caffeine
2) No Alcohol
3) Positive Mental Attitude
4) Save Money
5) Keep Smiling
6) Stay Fit
I may not stick to them forever but I hope to make some positive changes in my life by following them strictly for as long as I deem necessary/possible.
I feel I have made a fairly good start to my campaign and I hope that by reviewing each rule individually I can identify and monitor my progress as each week passes.
1) No Caffeine - The area of my life where this was really starting to become a habit was at work: I would almost invariably have a can of coke during a shift at work to give me a boost during the second half of my shift; I worked 3 times in the last week and got by without one. Unfortunately I inadvertently consumed caffeine earlier this evening whilst drinking Irn Bru. I didn't realise that it contained caffeine until I checked the label, having already consumed almost 1 litre of the stuff. Overall I am pleased with my effort
2) No Alcohol - So far so good. Socially, this rule is a nightmare! In the pub on Monday I endured a constant barrage of comments which were, in the main, attempts to goad me into breaking at least one of my newly implemented rules. It was all "banter" and I took it as it was meant. I do feel, however, that I ended up somewhat fading into the background in an environment where I would normally be wallowing in the thick of the action. Perhaps this difference is perceptive rather than an actuality - I know I was also tired and hungry at the time.
On the two other occasions this week when I was out and about with friends I had mixed results. Wednesday I had a great time in the pub on a spontaneous little Culcheth evening. I invented the "lime bomb" - the non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, jaegerbomb equivalent - and stayed up til the early hours playing amusing party games. Thursday I did a sober night out in Leigh... I won't be doing that again.
Overall I feel that this rule will be a very difficult one to maintain - although I feel like I should be strong enough to just be myself, be comfortable with myself and enjoy myself whilst sober, there are certain environments where I am highly self-conscious and hyper-critical of my worth - the occasional hangover and mild liver-damage may end up feeling like a small price to pay to alleviate those thoughts. The praise I have received from people who I hold in high regard is what I am trying to focus on, as well as the money I'm saving.
3) Positive Mental Attitude - This rule is very, very difficult for me. Sometimes I just feel low. The times where I am suffering lows of mood are painfully obvious to those who are close to me. I try to hide it but I just can't approach the world with the same enthusiasm when something is troubling me. Often when I talk to people about it they become frustrated with me because I am stubborn and they are unable to positively affect my mood. I have a belief that lows of mood are part and parcel of life and that it will be that way for as long as I live - I don't think they can be avoided. Because of this, when I feel low, I just try to accept that I am low and that is just the way that it is. The whole time I am feeling that way I am still focused on two positive things: a) this feeling will pass b) I am going to be successful. A cuddle and a change of subject usually helps though - I'll be thinking you're a ******* for trying to solve all my problems with such a simple solution but I'll also be admiring your audacity, bravery and effort.
That little tangent aside, I have, on reflection, had a good week. I've worked 3 times, which is a decent amount of shifts for me. I won Monday Night Poker for the first time ever, which is especially positive considering I wasn't going to bother with it at all. I've spent lots of time with my friends, which never fails to make me happy. And I've stuck to my rules almost perfectly - proof that the tenacious little monster inside of me is still there and prepared to help me achieve all of my ambitions. I need to keep focusing on the little victories - they are the foot holes in the mountain I am determined to climb.
4) Save Money - I think it's crass to publish actual figures in my blog (not that any of the figures I'd be posting would be significant), but if I think of my incomings this week as 3 shifts worth of money + the added bonus of my poker winnings, then I have definitely had a week where I have greater incomings than outgoings. I hope I can continue to accumulate money in order to build the required finance to achieve some of my life goals.
5) Keep Smiling - I need to try harder with this one. I have probably spent the vast majority of the week with a smile on my face but I have occasionally allowed myself to indulge in my own self-pity a little too often. Writing this review has made me realise that it was foolish of me to have gotten down over some of the things which have bothered me in the last 7 days.
6) Keep Fit - I have tried hard with this goal but it has definitely been a source of frustration for me recently. I am suffering from arm pain similar to that which put me in hospital - it is likely to be anxiety-related rather than muscle damage but it is still preventing me from training at the level that I would like to be training at. I am hoping that I can work through it and learn to find a way to cope. In the meantime I am training in short 30-minute sessions at least once every 2 days.
The biggest thing I have learnt this week as a result of these changes is that I seem to derive my pleasure mainly from others. This is evident in my week's highlights:
On Monday my highlight was seeing everybody drinking the jaegerbombs I'd promised to buy if I won the poker tournament - sitting in the corner of the pub watching the chaos evolving around me I couldn't help feeling like I was part of something that I didn't really belong to - at the same time, though, it was satisfying knowing that I was watching something that I'd been part of so many times before.
On Wednesday my highlight was walking the dogs of Radcliffe Farm with my new-found international friends. Throwing a stick for a golden retriever is a simple pleasure but it is one where I feel competent, confident and... wanted(?) - things that I often have to bluff at in other situations. It made me particularly happy when said golden retriever came running after me when it was time for me to leave. I wish I had that effect on everybody!
On Thursday (super early in the morning) my highlight was playing Lodden Thinks and the game where you have a famous person's name on your head and have to guess who it is. I ended up crying laughing - I actually felt sort of drunk at the time, but I was just really enjoying the stupidity and simplicity of our evenings events and how much joy they were bringing to everybody involved.
Here's hoping the next week can be as successful as this one has been.
1) No Caffeine
2) No Alcohol
3) Positive Mental Attitude
4) Save Money
5) Keep Smiling
6) Stay Fit
I may not stick to them forever but I hope to make some positive changes in my life by following them strictly for as long as I deem necessary/possible.
I feel I have made a fairly good start to my campaign and I hope that by reviewing each rule individually I can identify and monitor my progress as each week passes.
1) No Caffeine - The area of my life where this was really starting to become a habit was at work: I would almost invariably have a can of coke during a shift at work to give me a boost during the second half of my shift; I worked 3 times in the last week and got by without one. Unfortunately I inadvertently consumed caffeine earlier this evening whilst drinking Irn Bru. I didn't realise that it contained caffeine until I checked the label, having already consumed almost 1 litre of the stuff. Overall I am pleased with my effort
2) No Alcohol - So far so good. Socially, this rule is a nightmare! In the pub on Monday I endured a constant barrage of comments which were, in the main, attempts to goad me into breaking at least one of my newly implemented rules. It was all "banter" and I took it as it was meant. I do feel, however, that I ended up somewhat fading into the background in an environment where I would normally be wallowing in the thick of the action. Perhaps this difference is perceptive rather than an actuality - I know I was also tired and hungry at the time.
On the two other occasions this week when I was out and about with friends I had mixed results. Wednesday I had a great time in the pub on a spontaneous little Culcheth evening. I invented the "lime bomb" - the non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, jaegerbomb equivalent - and stayed up til the early hours playing amusing party games. Thursday I did a sober night out in Leigh... I won't be doing that again.
Overall I feel that this rule will be a very difficult one to maintain - although I feel like I should be strong enough to just be myself, be comfortable with myself and enjoy myself whilst sober, there are certain environments where I am highly self-conscious and hyper-critical of my worth - the occasional hangover and mild liver-damage may end up feeling like a small price to pay to alleviate those thoughts. The praise I have received from people who I hold in high regard is what I am trying to focus on, as well as the money I'm saving.
3) Positive Mental Attitude - This rule is very, very difficult for me. Sometimes I just feel low. The times where I am suffering lows of mood are painfully obvious to those who are close to me. I try to hide it but I just can't approach the world with the same enthusiasm when something is troubling me. Often when I talk to people about it they become frustrated with me because I am stubborn and they are unable to positively affect my mood. I have a belief that lows of mood are part and parcel of life and that it will be that way for as long as I live - I don't think they can be avoided. Because of this, when I feel low, I just try to accept that I am low and that is just the way that it is. The whole time I am feeling that way I am still focused on two positive things: a) this feeling will pass b) I am going to be successful. A cuddle and a change of subject usually helps though - I'll be thinking you're a ******* for trying to solve all my problems with such a simple solution but I'll also be admiring your audacity, bravery and effort.
That little tangent aside, I have, on reflection, had a good week. I've worked 3 times, which is a decent amount of shifts for me. I won Monday Night Poker for the first time ever, which is especially positive considering I wasn't going to bother with it at all. I've spent lots of time with my friends, which never fails to make me happy. And I've stuck to my rules almost perfectly - proof that the tenacious little monster inside of me is still there and prepared to help me achieve all of my ambitions. I need to keep focusing on the little victories - they are the foot holes in the mountain I am determined to climb.
4) Save Money - I think it's crass to publish actual figures in my blog (not that any of the figures I'd be posting would be significant), but if I think of my incomings this week as 3 shifts worth of money + the added bonus of my poker winnings, then I have definitely had a week where I have greater incomings than outgoings. I hope I can continue to accumulate money in order to build the required finance to achieve some of my life goals.
5) Keep Smiling - I need to try harder with this one. I have probably spent the vast majority of the week with a smile on my face but I have occasionally allowed myself to indulge in my own self-pity a little too often. Writing this review has made me realise that it was foolish of me to have gotten down over some of the things which have bothered me in the last 7 days.
6) Keep Fit - I have tried hard with this goal but it has definitely been a source of frustration for me recently. I am suffering from arm pain similar to that which put me in hospital - it is likely to be anxiety-related rather than muscle damage but it is still preventing me from training at the level that I would like to be training at. I am hoping that I can work through it and learn to find a way to cope. In the meantime I am training in short 30-minute sessions at least once every 2 days.
The biggest thing I have learnt this week as a result of these changes is that I seem to derive my pleasure mainly from others. This is evident in my week's highlights:
On Monday my highlight was seeing everybody drinking the jaegerbombs I'd promised to buy if I won the poker tournament - sitting in the corner of the pub watching the chaos evolving around me I couldn't help feeling like I was part of something that I didn't really belong to - at the same time, though, it was satisfying knowing that I was watching something that I'd been part of so many times before.
On Wednesday my highlight was walking the dogs of Radcliffe Farm with my new-found international friends. Throwing a stick for a golden retriever is a simple pleasure but it is one where I feel competent, confident and... wanted(?) - things that I often have to bluff at in other situations. It made me particularly happy when said golden retriever came running after me when it was time for me to leave. I wish I had that effect on everybody!
On Thursday (super early in the morning) my highlight was playing Lodden Thinks and the game where you have a famous person's name on your head and have to guess who it is. I ended up crying laughing - I actually felt sort of drunk at the time, but I was just really enjoying the stupidity and simplicity of our evenings events and how much joy they were bringing to everybody involved.
Here's hoping the next week can be as successful as this one has been.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Changes
I've been lamenting a lot recently about the stagnicity of my life at present. I've talked in depth, with several people, about the fact that there are many things in my life right now which I have little/no control over and the frustration that it causes me. Tonight I am resolving to change the things that I CAN change, using my blog as a public record of my efforts.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Anxiety and Depression: Reflection
I feel really quite sad at the moment.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Olympics Day ?: We've Created a Monster!
One glance at my Facebook news feed is all it takes to realise just how successful the current GB Olympic campaign has been.
Sat third in the overall medal table, Team GB have well and truly delivered on their goal of inspiring a nation and evoking national pride. I'm truly excited about what this could mean for the (cliche alert) "next generation" and I am truly proud of my nation's sports stars right now... But I'm afraid I fear the worst for our subsequent Olympic campaigns......
Before the goldrush of the last 48 hours or so I spoke with a local swimming coach about our nations ability to develop talent and produce world-beating athletes. Our conversation produced an alarming conclusion: At some point our rate of success will have to reach it's peak - at one moment in time our yearly medal hall will, logically, have to fall from the previous year.
The fear I have, is that Rio 2016 may be that moment. The response of a nation, filled with expectation and hope, seeing it's athletes fail to surmount previously conquered peaks could really be detrimental to long-term sustained development of youth sport and exercise in the UK. Don't get me wrong, the immediate and short term effect of London 2012 is likely to be fantastic and I'm so proud of what our nation has achieved. But is it really enough to inspire just one generation?
For now I intend to enjoy seeing the fruits of Sport England's labour (and all the other NGB's and Sport Development Charities) and I hope this Olympics continues to be a major success story.
Fingers crossed it isn't just a flash in the pan.
Sat third in the overall medal table, Team GB have well and truly delivered on their goal of inspiring a nation and evoking national pride. I'm truly excited about what this could mean for the (cliche alert) "next generation" and I am truly proud of my nation's sports stars right now... But I'm afraid I fear the worst for our subsequent Olympic campaigns......
Before the goldrush of the last 48 hours or so I spoke with a local swimming coach about our nations ability to develop talent and produce world-beating athletes. Our conversation produced an alarming conclusion: At some point our rate of success will have to reach it's peak - at one moment in time our yearly medal hall will, logically, have to fall from the previous year.
The fear I have, is that Rio 2016 may be that moment. The response of a nation, filled with expectation and hope, seeing it's athletes fail to surmount previously conquered peaks could really be detrimental to long-term sustained development of youth sport and exercise in the UK. Don't get me wrong, the immediate and short term effect of London 2012 is likely to be fantastic and I'm so proud of what our nation has achieved. But is it really enough to inspire just one generation?
For now I intend to enjoy seeing the fruits of Sport England's labour (and all the other NGB's and Sport Development Charities) and I hope this Olympics continues to be a major success story.
Fingers crossed it isn't just a flash in the pan.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Olympic Special Day 3: Heartbreak and Heartaches
An action packed day today with lots of talking points.
Firstly, commiserations to Johny Akinyemi. It has been nice to hear all the positivity in the local community and the pride which is evident in the mannerisms of those who have been discussing Nigeria's first kayaking Olympian. I believe there was genuine sadness felt by many when it became apparent that Johny's time was not going to be good enough for him to qualify for the semi-finals; I, like many others, wish him the best of luck in future qualifying campaigns and hope to be cheering him on again in 2016.
Bringing the moment of poignant reflection to an abrupt end, you know the cliche about a film having a small sex scene in it and that's the moment somebody always seems to catch you watching it...?
Am I the only person who, despite genuinely appreciating and enjoying the skill of the game, feels like I'm being judged everytime somebody walks into the room when I'm watching beach volleyball?
Despite its sexual stigma (or perhaps BECAUSE of it?) I strongly believe it to have been one of the success stories so far from the games. Everywhere I go it's the event that seems to be constantly being discussed - admittedly not always for sporting reasons - and the GBR v CAN game in the womens event earlier today had all the ingrediants of a classic sports match up - thoroughly entertaining. More important than that though, the crowd seem to really enjoy it - the atmosphere at Horse Guards Parade has been electric almost every time I've tuned in. Which is a lot more than can be said for some of the other events.....
Like many, I'm really disapointed with the empty seats at many of the stadia. It seems that the majority of empty seats are corporate tickets which are not being used. This is something which is, allegedly, being addressed and I really hope it gets sorted and quickly. There is no doubt in my mind that we could fill the seats at almost every event if people are given proper opportunity to do so.
Because this has seemed to be a fairly downbeat edition of my blog I will end with some congratulations. Well done team GB for finally getting onto the medal table! A bronze for Rebecca Adlington and a silver for Lizzie Armitstead - pretty sure this means we're due a gold tomorrow... All eyes on the aquatics centre!!!
Firstly, commiserations to Johny Akinyemi. It has been nice to hear all the positivity in the local community and the pride which is evident in the mannerisms of those who have been discussing Nigeria's first kayaking Olympian. I believe there was genuine sadness felt by many when it became apparent that Johny's time was not going to be good enough for him to qualify for the semi-finals; I, like many others, wish him the best of luck in future qualifying campaigns and hope to be cheering him on again in 2016.
Bringing the moment of poignant reflection to an abrupt end, you know the cliche about a film having a small sex scene in it and that's the moment somebody always seems to catch you watching it...?
Am I the only person who, despite genuinely appreciating and enjoying the skill of the game, feels like I'm being judged everytime somebody walks into the room when I'm watching beach volleyball?
Despite its sexual stigma (or perhaps BECAUSE of it?) I strongly believe it to have been one of the success stories so far from the games. Everywhere I go it's the event that seems to be constantly being discussed - admittedly not always for sporting reasons - and the GBR v CAN game in the womens event earlier today had all the ingrediants of a classic sports match up - thoroughly entertaining. More important than that though, the crowd seem to really enjoy it - the atmosphere at Horse Guards Parade has been electric almost every time I've tuned in. Which is a lot more than can be said for some of the other events.....
Like many, I'm really disapointed with the empty seats at many of the stadia. It seems that the majority of empty seats are corporate tickets which are not being used. This is something which is, allegedly, being addressed and I really hope it gets sorted and quickly. There is no doubt in my mind that we could fill the seats at almost every event if people are given proper opportunity to do so.
Because this has seemed to be a fairly downbeat edition of my blog I will end with some congratulations. Well done team GB for finally getting onto the medal table! A bronze for Rebecca Adlington and a silver for Lizzie Armitstead - pretty sure this means we're due a gold tomorrow... All eyes on the aquatics centre!!!
Olympic Special Day 2: No Medals for Blighty
I was really disapointed when Day 1 of competition was summed up, in the introduction of a BBC review show, with the phrase "and todays main story: No Medal for Mark Cavendish"
Are you kidding me?!
On a day where the outcome of one of the medals depended on a competitor hitting bullseye with his final arrow and a day where 5 athletes broke Olympic records, the MAIN story is about an athlete who finished 29th in his event... I think that's a sad state of affairs.
I thought the interview with the winning athlete, Alexandr Vinokourov of Kazakhstan, was also disgraceful. Claire Balding (I think) asked him 3 questions, 2 of which were directly related to Mark Cavendish not winning the race. The highlight of the blokes career and he has to pretend to care about one of his rivals who'd already stolen all the lime-light in the build-up to the race. I think the BBC could have shown a little more class.
I have to confess that I didn't get to see too much of the action as I spent most of the day out of the house. I intend to watch the catch-up shows every evening and as many live events as possible for the remainder of the games and fully expect to enjoy some dramatic, historic moments.
Here's hoping.....
Are you kidding me?!
On a day where the outcome of one of the medals depended on a competitor hitting bullseye with his final arrow and a day where 5 athletes broke Olympic records, the MAIN story is about an athlete who finished 29th in his event... I think that's a sad state of affairs.
I thought the interview with the winning athlete, Alexandr Vinokourov of Kazakhstan, was also disgraceful. Claire Balding (I think) asked him 3 questions, 2 of which were directly related to Mark Cavendish not winning the race. The highlight of the blokes career and he has to pretend to care about one of his rivals who'd already stolen all the lime-light in the build-up to the race. I think the BBC could have shown a little more class.
I have to confess that I didn't get to see too much of the action as I spent most of the day out of the house. I intend to watch the catch-up shows every evening and as many live events as possible for the remainder of the games and fully expect to enjoy some dramatic, historic moments.
Here's hoping.....
Friday, 27 July 2012
Olympic Special Day One: Opening Ceremony
I've decided to try and write one of these every evening throughout the duration of The Olympics. I hope I can provide you with a little insight into how the event holds up from the perspective of a person who is borderline obsessed with sport. I'll do my best to keep these light!
Tonight was the opening ceremony which was viewed by millions worldwide. We could (and probably will) all talk for hours about how well Danny Boyle has done as artistic director for the ceremony, but I'd like to discuss one theme in particular from his work, legacy.
Our bid to host the games, which was accepted 7 years ago, focused very heavily on legacy and the impact London 2012 could potentially have on the well-being and livelihood of current and future generations. The biggest example of this notion at work was the inspired decision to pass the honour and responsibility of lighting the Olympic Cauldron from our Olympic legends to their nominated future stars.
In a climate of economic unrest, industrial stagnancy and nationwide despair it is important that we work hard to emphasise, reward and actively encourage progression, development and ambition. What better vehicle to achieve this through than sport?
Many great athletes overcome incredible personal circumstance and devote superhuman amounts of time, energy and emotion into perfecting their craft; all to be standing on a podium in front of the world brandishing a small gold coin.
It is, of course, the medal's intrinsic value which athletes are truly interested in - recognition for the difficulties they've overcome, the hours they've worked hard behind closed doors, their mental resilience and their un-diminishing will to overcome all obstacles and reach the pinnacle of their trade.
If we can all draw inspiration from the mentally of these individuals, then I believe we can get that one step closer towards achieving our own individual hopes and dreams. But, importantly, if we all take inspiration from the team mentality and community spirit which is endorsed by the Olympics, then perhaps, as a united race, we can get one step closer to peace, harmony and global contentedness.
Tonight, thousands of people joined together to create a spectacle, enjoyed by the world over, which restored British pride in hundreds of thousands of people watching and commenting on social media. Imagine what we could all achieve if we could unite over more than just sport.....
Tonight was the opening ceremony which was viewed by millions worldwide. We could (and probably will) all talk for hours about how well Danny Boyle has done as artistic director for the ceremony, but I'd like to discuss one theme in particular from his work, legacy.
Our bid to host the games, which was accepted 7 years ago, focused very heavily on legacy and the impact London 2012 could potentially have on the well-being and livelihood of current and future generations. The biggest example of this notion at work was the inspired decision to pass the honour and responsibility of lighting the Olympic Cauldron from our Olympic legends to their nominated future stars.
In a climate of economic unrest, industrial stagnancy and nationwide despair it is important that we work hard to emphasise, reward and actively encourage progression, development and ambition. What better vehicle to achieve this through than sport?
Many great athletes overcome incredible personal circumstance and devote superhuman amounts of time, energy and emotion into perfecting their craft; all to be standing on a podium in front of the world brandishing a small gold coin.
It is, of course, the medal's intrinsic value which athletes are truly interested in - recognition for the difficulties they've overcome, the hours they've worked hard behind closed doors, their mental resilience and their un-diminishing will to overcome all obstacles and reach the pinnacle of their trade.
If we can all draw inspiration from the mentally of these individuals, then I believe we can get that one step closer towards achieving our own individual hopes and dreams. But, importantly, if we all take inspiration from the team mentality and community spirit which is endorsed by the Olympics, then perhaps, as a united race, we can get one step closer to peace, harmony and global contentedness.
Tonight, thousands of people joined together to create a spectacle, enjoyed by the world over, which restored British pride in hundreds of thousands of people watching and commenting on social media. Imagine what we could all achieve if we could unite over more than just sport.....
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Opportunity and Rejection
Wayne Gretzky.
I believe that many of you will recognise the name, some of you might know what he is famous for, some of you probably know more about him than I do... But for the purposes of today's blog post, all you need to know is this: He was so good at what he did (playing professional ice hockey) that he is referred to simply as "The Great One" and, testimony to his brilliance, is the fact that no player, anywhere, ever, wears the #99 shirt - when Gretzky retired, his number was globally retired also.
The geezer was good.
I'm obsessed by psychology. As somebody who studies sport science I am made increasingly aware of the physical limits of the human body and, although we can push ourselves to incredible levels physically, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that human athletes might be getting close to being as good as they're going to be... physically. Which means, if we want to go further, we have to look at fully exploring our mental capacity
I believe mentality is what truly seperates winners from losers, which brings me back to Wayne Gretzky: He once uttered the word which are plastered on to motivational posters all over the world
"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"
And it's true - you can spend your entire lifetime contemplating whether something is a good idea, you can weigh up the pros and cons and try and calculate your risk versus reward and play around with probabilities until you're blue in the face. But the fact of the matter is, unless you're willing to act, unless you're willing to take the physical steps that are necessary to achieve your goal you're never EVER going to achieve it.
I think the problem we all face is that we're terrified of rejection. I know I am. It doesn't matter what the task is - whether it's writing my dissertation, asking a girl on a date, applying for a job or... anything that requires me to act... I'm paralysed by the thought that I won't be adequate. And then I end up never even trying. And then I end up failing anyway.
So, over the weekend, I'm going to take a few shots (no, not of vodka! Although maybe some of them too) and maybe I'll come up short on every single one. But I'll get a damn sight closer than if I never bother.
And I urge you to do the same.
Who knows... maybe the keeper will be having an off day!
Enjoy your weekend
xxx
I believe that many of you will recognise the name, some of you might know what he is famous for, some of you probably know more about him than I do... But for the purposes of today's blog post, all you need to know is this: He was so good at what he did (playing professional ice hockey) that he is referred to simply as "The Great One" and, testimony to his brilliance, is the fact that no player, anywhere, ever, wears the #99 shirt - when Gretzky retired, his number was globally retired also.
The geezer was good.
I'm obsessed by psychology. As somebody who studies sport science I am made increasingly aware of the physical limits of the human body and, although we can push ourselves to incredible levels physically, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that human athletes might be getting close to being as good as they're going to be... physically. Which means, if we want to go further, we have to look at fully exploring our mental capacity
I believe mentality is what truly seperates winners from losers, which brings me back to Wayne Gretzky: He once uttered the word which are plastered on to motivational posters all over the world
"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"
And it's true - you can spend your entire lifetime contemplating whether something is a good idea, you can weigh up the pros and cons and try and calculate your risk versus reward and play around with probabilities until you're blue in the face. But the fact of the matter is, unless you're willing to act, unless you're willing to take the physical steps that are necessary to achieve your goal you're never EVER going to achieve it.
I think the problem we all face is that we're terrified of rejection. I know I am. It doesn't matter what the task is - whether it's writing my dissertation, asking a girl on a date, applying for a job or... anything that requires me to act... I'm paralysed by the thought that I won't be adequate. And then I end up never even trying. And then I end up failing anyway.
So, over the weekend, I'm going to take a few shots (no, not of vodka! Although maybe some of them too) and maybe I'll come up short on every single one. But I'll get a damn sight closer than if I never bother.
And I urge you to do the same.
Who knows... maybe the keeper will be having an off day!
Enjoy your weekend
xxx
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Anxiety and Panic Disorder
Hello :)
I suffer from, what is referred to broadly, as Anxiety.
More specifically I experience panic attacks from time to time and I sometimes find social situations difficult to handle. I absolutely despise public transport or any other time where I find myself in a room that I cannot leave easily and I can become very uncomfortable or agitated in such a scenario.
I have been meaning to write about my anxiety for a long time, I guess in an attempt to reach out to others who suffer similarly and say "hey, you're not alone - if you want to talk things through with somebody who's maybe been there or close... I'm here." Or if my words alone can offer any kind of solace to anybody out there than I am more than happy to have written them.
I think there are probably many people who know me fairly well or see me fairly frequently who are relatively unaware of my illness. It doesn't really bother me who knows; perhaps there is a stigma attached to mental illness in today's society but, to be totally honest with you I have no time for those who wish to judge me based on simple, surface information; my friends, or those I wish to be friends with, are intelligent enough to see past said stigma and treat me no differently than they would if they remained blissfully unaware of my condition.
I think it's testimony to the way I deal with my anxiety that many are unaware of it, or what it can do to me but I am not afraid to divulge this information with anybody. I suppose this is another purpose of this blog. I want you to know that I am comfortable with exactly who I am.
Firstly, I want to discuss panic attacks. For those of you who have never suffered a panic attack I would describe it as being like having your head held underwater by a complete stranger for reasons that you can't understand. Of course, the saving grace of having your head held underwater is that you know if you can just fight your head to the surface you will be able to breath again... with a panic attack you have no idea what you can do to "save yourself"... you are fairly certain that you are going to die... and there's no logical reason for it.
For those of you who do suffer from panic attacks, or should you find yourself suffering an inexplicable certainty that you are going to die, remember that nobody has ever died from a panic attack and that panic attacks all come to an end eventually. They're not fun but it's all you can do - you will be fine in the end.
My condition is quite complex in-so-far as many of the symptoms have fancy names or complications. I suffer from panic disorder - this is essentially a fear of having a panic attack. Mine manifests itself as a fear of choking to death. I try to avoid situations where I could get trapped, particularly when I can not easily get a drink (to try and clear my airways if I start to choke). I almost always sleep with a glass of water by my bed for this reason and try to always make sure I have a drink handy when travelling long distances by plane, car or otherwise.
I realise it's pretty ridiculous and I feel foolish sometimes for being so melodramatic but I figure that having a drink with me almost all the time isn't that difficult to do discretely and if it's all I need to enable me to travel around the country seeing my friends, family and having enjoyable adventures then so be it. I also tend to carry mints around with me as the taste often calms me and alleviates nausea - another symptom of anxiety (irrational feelings of nervousness).
Sometimes I suffer extreme lows of mood. I have been to some very dark places mentally where my thoughts have left me feeling so insignificant, lonely, helpless and isolated that I felt I could never be happy again. From my experience, similarly to panic attacks, these feelings end eventually - but it is so gripping and all-consuming when it is occurring that it is very difficult to convince yourself that you will get to the other side of it.
I have found myself on the phone to anybody who I can during these times, begging them to come and sit with me. As far as I can recollect I have never considered suicide - I am quite sure that I have a destiny, as yet unfulfilled on this planet, and I am determined to never give up on it. But during my lows I feel so desperate, so lost, that I cannot find a way to alleviate my pain. I will try almost anything to be happy again. I hope that everybody who gets down to those depths finds the strength to just hang in there - things will get better. They always do.
I think it is during these times that I often search for comforting words or phrases. My favourite is as follows: "everything will be ok in the end; if it is not ok, it is not the end"
I see my battle with anxiety as a line graph (lord knows why... I can't stand graphs!). The x-axis is time and the y-axis is "how I am coping with my anxiety." One day my line will reach the top of the y-axis, "absolute ability to cope" if you like. I am always working hard to get it there one step at a time.
In the run-up to Xmas 2011 and during the holiday season I regressed badly, I had gotten very good at coping with my anxiety but I went through a very rocky and stressful time and I ended up feeling like a lot of my hard work had been undone. I was quite distraught and went through some of the hardest days of my life. Nothing particularly drastic was happening - I just knew I was coping with my anxiety less and less, I was clinging on with my fingernails and I needed help.
I gave in to medication for the first time in my life. I started taking anti-depressants and found them very useful. I'm off them now, I came off them early - they weren't for me. I didn't really suffer adverse side effects (although I was being sick on nights out a lot more frequently and having consumed a lot less alcohol) but I like to be self-reliant. Sometimes I need help and I have to have the courage to swallow my pride and be willing to ask for it. More importantly I have to be willing to accept it. But I also need to know that, once I've found me feet, I can walk this road alone and tackle whatever obstacles may stand in my way.
As things stand I have taken the following steps towards improving my physical and mental health:
1) I consume a lot less caffiene nowadays. Nobody really specifically advised me to do this - I saw caffiene put my dad in hospital which was quite a shocking experience but I don't think it was what made my mind for me. I just tried to give caffiene up as an experiment, found that I felt I could cope without it and decided it was better for my health (particularly mental health) if I stayed away.
I am contemplating giving up alcohol but maintain that I would miss "the casual pint" too much and believe it is a case of all or nothing. I tend to suffer more psychologically when I am hungover (don't we all?). Maybe one day I will give it up.
2) I am finally putting on weight! Mass calorie consumption and sensible exercise routines have increased my body mass by 1 stone since the absolute lowest point (psychologically) of my life -where I lost a lot of weight through stress and lack of apetite. As my physical health improves I feel that my mental strength does also - I am excited at the prospect of one day being in perfect physical shape for my height and age - I see no reason why I cannot get there.
3) I actively seek to reduce stress in my life. I make an effort to spend time with the people who's company I enjoy the most, I choose not to feel guilty about any of the things which bring me pleasure and I tackle my work and business life as efficiently as I can.
I consider every task I complete as an achievement which makes my days feel more worthwhile even if all I have done is picked some washing up off my bedroom floor and eaten the right ammount of calories - there were times at my worst when I did not move from my bed for 72 hours (except to use the toilet). Progress, no matter how small, is progress and success is just an accumilation of progresses.
I feel mental health is something that we, as a society, do not work hard enough to improve. Unfortunately (or fortunately) focusing on staying mentally healthy is essential for me and I have to work hard to keep on top of it. I hope to pass on the things I have learnt to any and everybody who can benefit from it.
I'd like to conclude by clarifying that this blog isn't a cry for help - I'm fine. I'm coping great at the moment and I feel that things are looking up for me. I have many prospects to explore and I am sure I will one day find success in this life - whatever I determine that to be. This blog is a message to everybody else out there who is fighting their own personal battle every single day.
Never give up, never give in - sometimes we need help, sometimes we end up going backwards and having to start again but slowly and surely we will get there. Without the lows, the view from the top wouldn't be quite so breath-taking.
Enjoy your Wednesday
xxx
I suffer from, what is referred to broadly, as Anxiety.
More specifically I experience panic attacks from time to time and I sometimes find social situations difficult to handle. I absolutely despise public transport or any other time where I find myself in a room that I cannot leave easily and I can become very uncomfortable or agitated in such a scenario.
I have been meaning to write about my anxiety for a long time, I guess in an attempt to reach out to others who suffer similarly and say "hey, you're not alone - if you want to talk things through with somebody who's maybe been there or close... I'm here." Or if my words alone can offer any kind of solace to anybody out there than I am more than happy to have written them.
I think there are probably many people who know me fairly well or see me fairly frequently who are relatively unaware of my illness. It doesn't really bother me who knows; perhaps there is a stigma attached to mental illness in today's society but, to be totally honest with you I have no time for those who wish to judge me based on simple, surface information; my friends, or those I wish to be friends with, are intelligent enough to see past said stigma and treat me no differently than they would if they remained blissfully unaware of my condition.
I think it's testimony to the way I deal with my anxiety that many are unaware of it, or what it can do to me but I am not afraid to divulge this information with anybody. I suppose this is another purpose of this blog. I want you to know that I am comfortable with exactly who I am.
Firstly, I want to discuss panic attacks. For those of you who have never suffered a panic attack I would describe it as being like having your head held underwater by a complete stranger for reasons that you can't understand. Of course, the saving grace of having your head held underwater is that you know if you can just fight your head to the surface you will be able to breath again... with a panic attack you have no idea what you can do to "save yourself"... you are fairly certain that you are going to die... and there's no logical reason for it.
For those of you who do suffer from panic attacks, or should you find yourself suffering an inexplicable certainty that you are going to die, remember that nobody has ever died from a panic attack and that panic attacks all come to an end eventually. They're not fun but it's all you can do - you will be fine in the end.
My condition is quite complex in-so-far as many of the symptoms have fancy names or complications. I suffer from panic disorder - this is essentially a fear of having a panic attack. Mine manifests itself as a fear of choking to death. I try to avoid situations where I could get trapped, particularly when I can not easily get a drink (to try and clear my airways if I start to choke). I almost always sleep with a glass of water by my bed for this reason and try to always make sure I have a drink handy when travelling long distances by plane, car or otherwise.
I realise it's pretty ridiculous and I feel foolish sometimes for being so melodramatic but I figure that having a drink with me almost all the time isn't that difficult to do discretely and if it's all I need to enable me to travel around the country seeing my friends, family and having enjoyable adventures then so be it. I also tend to carry mints around with me as the taste often calms me and alleviates nausea - another symptom of anxiety (irrational feelings of nervousness).
Sometimes I suffer extreme lows of mood. I have been to some very dark places mentally where my thoughts have left me feeling so insignificant, lonely, helpless and isolated that I felt I could never be happy again. From my experience, similarly to panic attacks, these feelings end eventually - but it is so gripping and all-consuming when it is occurring that it is very difficult to convince yourself that you will get to the other side of it.
I have found myself on the phone to anybody who I can during these times, begging them to come and sit with me. As far as I can recollect I have never considered suicide - I am quite sure that I have a destiny, as yet unfulfilled on this planet, and I am determined to never give up on it. But during my lows I feel so desperate, so lost, that I cannot find a way to alleviate my pain. I will try almost anything to be happy again. I hope that everybody who gets down to those depths finds the strength to just hang in there - things will get better. They always do.
I think it is during these times that I often search for comforting words or phrases. My favourite is as follows: "everything will be ok in the end; if it is not ok, it is not the end"
I see my battle with anxiety as a line graph (lord knows why... I can't stand graphs!). The x-axis is time and the y-axis is "how I am coping with my anxiety." One day my line will reach the top of the y-axis, "absolute ability to cope" if you like. I am always working hard to get it there one step at a time.
In the run-up to Xmas 2011 and during the holiday season I regressed badly, I had gotten very good at coping with my anxiety but I went through a very rocky and stressful time and I ended up feeling like a lot of my hard work had been undone. I was quite distraught and went through some of the hardest days of my life. Nothing particularly drastic was happening - I just knew I was coping with my anxiety less and less, I was clinging on with my fingernails and I needed help.
I gave in to medication for the first time in my life. I started taking anti-depressants and found them very useful. I'm off them now, I came off them early - they weren't for me. I didn't really suffer adverse side effects (although I was being sick on nights out a lot more frequently and having consumed a lot less alcohol) but I like to be self-reliant. Sometimes I need help and I have to have the courage to swallow my pride and be willing to ask for it. More importantly I have to be willing to accept it. But I also need to know that, once I've found me feet, I can walk this road alone and tackle whatever obstacles may stand in my way.
As things stand I have taken the following steps towards improving my physical and mental health:
1) I consume a lot less caffiene nowadays. Nobody really specifically advised me to do this - I saw caffiene put my dad in hospital which was quite a shocking experience but I don't think it was what made my mind for me. I just tried to give caffiene up as an experiment, found that I felt I could cope without it and decided it was better for my health (particularly mental health) if I stayed away.
I am contemplating giving up alcohol but maintain that I would miss "the casual pint" too much and believe it is a case of all or nothing. I tend to suffer more psychologically when I am hungover (don't we all?). Maybe one day I will give it up.
2) I am finally putting on weight! Mass calorie consumption and sensible exercise routines have increased my body mass by 1 stone since the absolute lowest point (psychologically) of my life -where I lost a lot of weight through stress and lack of apetite. As my physical health improves I feel that my mental strength does also - I am excited at the prospect of one day being in perfect physical shape for my height and age - I see no reason why I cannot get there.
3) I actively seek to reduce stress in my life. I make an effort to spend time with the people who's company I enjoy the most, I choose not to feel guilty about any of the things which bring me pleasure and I tackle my work and business life as efficiently as I can.
I consider every task I complete as an achievement which makes my days feel more worthwhile even if all I have done is picked some washing up off my bedroom floor and eaten the right ammount of calories - there were times at my worst when I did not move from my bed for 72 hours (except to use the toilet). Progress, no matter how small, is progress and success is just an accumilation of progresses.
I feel mental health is something that we, as a society, do not work hard enough to improve. Unfortunately (or fortunately) focusing on staying mentally healthy is essential for me and I have to work hard to keep on top of it. I hope to pass on the things I have learnt to any and everybody who can benefit from it.
I'd like to conclude by clarifying that this blog isn't a cry for help - I'm fine. I'm coping great at the moment and I feel that things are looking up for me. I have many prospects to explore and I am sure I will one day find success in this life - whatever I determine that to be. This blog is a message to everybody else out there who is fighting their own personal battle every single day.
Never give up, never give in - sometimes we need help, sometimes we end up going backwards and having to start again but slowly and surely we will get there. Without the lows, the view from the top wouldn't be quite so breath-taking.
Enjoy your Wednesday
xxx
Friday, 23 March 2012
Sheffield Varsity 2012
Good Evening Sports Fans!
For those of you who don't know me, I'm a sport and exercise science student at Sheffield Hallam University. I've competed (to varying degrees) in football, tennis, rugby league, ice hockey, and lacrosse and I've tried my hand at many other things (probably some you've never even heard of). To put it another way - I'm quite passionate about sport and leisure.
For University students in the city of Sheffield we are currently approaching the halfway stage of THE biggest sporting week of the whole academic year and I am lay in my bed, at home, in Warrington, completely oblivious to the entire thing. In this post I will do my utmost to explain the reasons why.....
Let me take you back to this time last year: It's the first day of Varsity 2011 and I'm rubbing my eyes and washing my wheetabix down with a cold, refreshing, lager. The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting and an excited housemate is brushing maroon and white warpaint on to my cheeks. I was about to spectate 7 days of drama, passion and revelling in my university community.
Over the week that followed I had the time of my life following my fellow students as they went to war with the black and gold clad soilders from up the hill. I drank, sang, celebrated and mourned with the people around me, swept-up by the occassion and swelling with pride to be part of such a success story.
See, deep down, the sports geek inside me wasn't that interested in the overall score - I was looking around me and seeing a community coming together - maroon, white, black, gold, smart, sexy, good, bad, ugly all sharing in the same spirit. For me, this is the beauty of sport; I've always believed that sport is one of the few places we can leave all of the baggage behind - yes there are rivalries, yes there is tension, yes there are winners and losers... But amongst true sportsmen, and true spectators, there is always respect.
And respect is exactly what I had for every single person involved with Varsity 2011. Every player, every spectator (even the **** with the megaphone at the aquatics centre) and, perhaps, most importantly of all every organiser.
Not this year. This year it's all been a little bit farcical.....
I'm a bit sour because I will never compete in a university varsity event. Last year I missed out on the opportunity to play in Ice Hockey varsity (my sport of choice) due to being on work placement. This year I was told I had a game (Lacrosse 2nd Team Varisty - it even says so on all of the varsity t-shirts) only for it to be cancelled.... only to be told it was back on ("and by the way you owe us £80 if you want to play") only to be told it was cancelled again just one week before I was due to play.
Having been told that our opponents had pulled out of our fixture we were then informed that we were no longer getting players wristbands and would have to fork out £3 for the priveledge of watching all the other teams who's games hadn't been cancelled. Nice gesture Hallam, thanks.
This is the second thing which has irked me about this years varsity... the price. This year, I believe I am correct in saying, Varsity is being spread over more venues (19) than ever and there are some impressive venues on the list... but that all comes at a price:
Ice Hockey: £3 + travel
Ski Village Day: £6 + travel
Abbeydale Day: £3 + travel
Don Valley Rugby: £3 + travel
Boxing: £5
Football: £4 + travel
A total ticket cost of £26 might not seem too expensive but this is a significant increase on last years price (closer to £15) and does not include travel costs which total £10 assuming £1 each way for every journey with the exception of boxing (which is hosted close enough to walk from most student accomodation)
If I want just one beer at every event and a burger at the two events which last more than 4 hours I can expect to spend an extra £24 (at least) and all of a sudden I'm £60 out of pocket (and if you want to see a steward treat you like an international terrorist try taking a bottle of cordial into Abbeydale in your hockey bag so that you have something to hydrate yourself during a game - I kid you not, they confiscated one of the competitors energy drinks and he had to purchase a lucozade from the bar).
In my opinion the problem lies with the business model of the event. Currently it is organised by the (not-for profit) unions at as small a cost as possible. However, events are run by the venues, which are in the business of providing entertainment to the general public for extortionate prices and are happy to hire stewards to make sure you spend your student loan on pricey refreshments and 40p on tap water (you're paying for the plastic cup if your lawyer asks).
In the past, the novelty factor of travelling to Hillsborough for a university event made it all worthwhile. One day a year of getting on a tram packed full of singing students, walking up to a football stadium surrounded by your peers and taking in the spectacle of university level football in a professional environment. Infact, you got the experience twice a year with, the jewel in winter varsities crown, ice hockey, getting a date and venue all to itself in late February and that was fine because many enjoyed the unfamiliarity of taking in a non-traditional sport. But, I fear, with the introduction of more individual events (Rugby Union 1st teams at Don Valley Stadium) and the added ticket, travel and refreshment costs, that this novelty is wearing thin.
Which brings me to the trigger which sparked this post. As Abbeydale day came to a close on Wednesday I saw the Hallam University Sports Officer walking past. I asked him what the current overall varsity score was, and, to my own bemusement he was unable to tell me. At the time I assumed that Hallam were significantly behind our rivals and concluded that this was why he had chosen not to divuldge the information.
Turns out that the reason might be EVEN more cynical that that! The news coming out of Sheffield University today is that their sports officer has put a ban on all live reports of individual game scores and any reporting what-so-ever of the overall points score. Further to this, there are to be no press passes handed out to SU media at Hillsborough to ensure that there is no footage recorded of the game.
Initially I assumed this was down to an internal fued on a personal level but evidence would suggest that it is infact a ploy to try and ensure that as many people as possible attend the grand finale at Hillsborough (where the overall points score will finally be revealed).
Seems like quite a cynical move by a not-for-profit organisation (and I'd be interested to explore the legality of it if it was worth my while). And the irony is that it has made me considerably less interested in the entire thing. Everything that I fell in love with in 2011 - the community spirit, an entire city united for one week by my biggest passion, the buzz in the corridors of people asking eachother for updates and discussing previous days action has been destroyed.
Apparently, the sports officers of Sheffield Student Unions' believe sport should be exclusive to only those who have the time and the money to travel to 19 different venues and witness 68 different fixtures (many of which are occuring simultaneously) over 8 days. Apparently, the priveledge, which is university sport, is reserved only for those 150 people who manage to get hold of one of the restricted capacity tickets for abbeydale or for the people who get hold of the (also significantly reduced capacity) tickets for hillsborough.
The Sheffield Student Union Sports Officers have got it all wrong. Sport is for everybody. Sport can unite a school, a village, a town, a city... Sport can unite the entire world (look at the global response to the recent tragic events at White Heart Lane). So this is an open plea to anybody brave enough to accept that what is happening at varsity this year is wrong...
Move away from the commercialised, money-making nonsense and bring sport back to the masses - put the enjoyment back into varsity for EVERYBODY, not just the players and the die hard support. Bring the community back together. Make me proud to be part of my university. Make me proud to be a Student in the city of Sheffield again.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm a sport and exercise science student at Sheffield Hallam University. I've competed (to varying degrees) in football, tennis, rugby league, ice hockey, and lacrosse and I've tried my hand at many other things (probably some you've never even heard of). To put it another way - I'm quite passionate about sport and leisure.
For University students in the city of Sheffield we are currently approaching the halfway stage of THE biggest sporting week of the whole academic year and I am lay in my bed, at home, in Warrington, completely oblivious to the entire thing. In this post I will do my utmost to explain the reasons why.....
Let me take you back to this time last year: It's the first day of Varsity 2011 and I'm rubbing my eyes and washing my wheetabix down with a cold, refreshing, lager. The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting and an excited housemate is brushing maroon and white warpaint on to my cheeks. I was about to spectate 7 days of drama, passion and revelling in my university community.
Over the week that followed I had the time of my life following my fellow students as they went to war with the black and gold clad soilders from up the hill. I drank, sang, celebrated and mourned with the people around me, swept-up by the occassion and swelling with pride to be part of such a success story.
See, deep down, the sports geek inside me wasn't that interested in the overall score - I was looking around me and seeing a community coming together - maroon, white, black, gold, smart, sexy, good, bad, ugly all sharing in the same spirit. For me, this is the beauty of sport; I've always believed that sport is one of the few places we can leave all of the baggage behind - yes there are rivalries, yes there is tension, yes there are winners and losers... But amongst true sportsmen, and true spectators, there is always respect.
And respect is exactly what I had for every single person involved with Varsity 2011. Every player, every spectator (even the **** with the megaphone at the aquatics centre) and, perhaps, most importantly of all every organiser.
Not this year. This year it's all been a little bit farcical.....
I'm a bit sour because I will never compete in a university varsity event. Last year I missed out on the opportunity to play in Ice Hockey varsity (my sport of choice) due to being on work placement. This year I was told I had a game (Lacrosse 2nd Team Varisty - it even says so on all of the varsity t-shirts) only for it to be cancelled.... only to be told it was back on ("and by the way you owe us £80 if you want to play") only to be told it was cancelled again just one week before I was due to play.
Having been told that our opponents had pulled out of our fixture we were then informed that we were no longer getting players wristbands and would have to fork out £3 for the priveledge of watching all the other teams who's games hadn't been cancelled. Nice gesture Hallam, thanks.
This is the second thing which has irked me about this years varsity... the price. This year, I believe I am correct in saying, Varsity is being spread over more venues (19) than ever and there are some impressive venues on the list... but that all comes at a price:
Ice Hockey: £3 + travel
Ski Village Day: £6 + travel
Abbeydale Day: £3 + travel
Don Valley Rugby: £3 + travel
Boxing: £5
Football: £4 + travel
A total ticket cost of £26 might not seem too expensive but this is a significant increase on last years price (closer to £15) and does not include travel costs which total £10 assuming £1 each way for every journey with the exception of boxing (which is hosted close enough to walk from most student accomodation)
If I want just one beer at every event and a burger at the two events which last more than 4 hours I can expect to spend an extra £24 (at least) and all of a sudden I'm £60 out of pocket (and if you want to see a steward treat you like an international terrorist try taking a bottle of cordial into Abbeydale in your hockey bag so that you have something to hydrate yourself during a game - I kid you not, they confiscated one of the competitors energy drinks and he had to purchase a lucozade from the bar).
In my opinion the problem lies with the business model of the event. Currently it is organised by the (not-for profit) unions at as small a cost as possible. However, events are run by the venues, which are in the business of providing entertainment to the general public for extortionate prices and are happy to hire stewards to make sure you spend your student loan on pricey refreshments and 40p on tap water (you're paying for the plastic cup if your lawyer asks).
In the past, the novelty factor of travelling to Hillsborough for a university event made it all worthwhile. One day a year of getting on a tram packed full of singing students, walking up to a football stadium surrounded by your peers and taking in the spectacle of university level football in a professional environment. Infact, you got the experience twice a year with, the jewel in winter varsities crown, ice hockey, getting a date and venue all to itself in late February and that was fine because many enjoyed the unfamiliarity of taking in a non-traditional sport. But, I fear, with the introduction of more individual events (Rugby Union 1st teams at Don Valley Stadium) and the added ticket, travel and refreshment costs, that this novelty is wearing thin.
Which brings me to the trigger which sparked this post. As Abbeydale day came to a close on Wednesday I saw the Hallam University Sports Officer walking past. I asked him what the current overall varsity score was, and, to my own bemusement he was unable to tell me. At the time I assumed that Hallam were significantly behind our rivals and concluded that this was why he had chosen not to divuldge the information.
Turns out that the reason might be EVEN more cynical that that! The news coming out of Sheffield University today is that their sports officer has put a ban on all live reports of individual game scores and any reporting what-so-ever of the overall points score. Further to this, there are to be no press passes handed out to SU media at Hillsborough to ensure that there is no footage recorded of the game.
Initially I assumed this was down to an internal fued on a personal level but evidence would suggest that it is infact a ploy to try and ensure that as many people as possible attend the grand finale at Hillsborough (where the overall points score will finally be revealed).
Seems like quite a cynical move by a not-for-profit organisation (and I'd be interested to explore the legality of it if it was worth my while). And the irony is that it has made me considerably less interested in the entire thing. Everything that I fell in love with in 2011 - the community spirit, an entire city united for one week by my biggest passion, the buzz in the corridors of people asking eachother for updates and discussing previous days action has been destroyed.
Apparently, the sports officers of Sheffield Student Unions' believe sport should be exclusive to only those who have the time and the money to travel to 19 different venues and witness 68 different fixtures (many of which are occuring simultaneously) over 8 days. Apparently, the priveledge, which is university sport, is reserved only for those 150 people who manage to get hold of one of the restricted capacity tickets for abbeydale or for the people who get hold of the (also significantly reduced capacity) tickets for hillsborough.
The Sheffield Student Union Sports Officers have got it all wrong. Sport is for everybody. Sport can unite a school, a village, a town, a city... Sport can unite the entire world (look at the global response to the recent tragic events at White Heart Lane). So this is an open plea to anybody brave enough to accept that what is happening at varsity this year is wrong...
Move away from the commercialised, money-making nonsense and bring sport back to the masses - put the enjoyment back into varsity for EVERYBODY, not just the players and the die hard support. Bring the community back together. Make me proud to be part of my university. Make me proud to be a Student in the city of Sheffield again.
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