Recently I was asked to think about what "success" is to me. I realised that I didn't really have an answer. I don't have any particular career, relationship or health goals right now - I just endeavour to be making constant progress. As long as I can keep on moving forwards I am content.
I wasn't satisfied with my answer, I wanted a difinitive answer - I wanted success to mean something specific to me. I thought carefully about times in my life when I have felt successful and I thought about all the things I want from life. I realised that I could define my own success: I feel successful when the people around me are happy.
It has long been my philosophy that the best thing I can do with my time on earth is to spread joy as far and as wide as I can. If I focus solely on my own happiness I can, at best, have a positive effect on one life for maybe 80 years. If I am prepared to help others my influence can be infinite. It seems like a better use of my time
I think I get a little down on myself sometimes and, though I am often self-assured and appear confident, I don't really think that highly of myself. I derive self-worth from the effect that I have on others - I care little for myself.
I'm not depressed, I'm really content with where I am at the moment. Another chapter of my life is coming to a close and I relish the opportunity to splatter some ink on the crisp white pages which sit infront of me.
This is just a reminder to myself for times when I am highest and times when my obstacles seem insurmountable: Just remember why you are doing it. Remember what success is to you.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Monday, 31 December 2012
2012: Year in review
This time last year I was still a student! I had no idea what the future had in store but I was determined that 2012 would be a good year for me. I was ready to work hard and make whatever sacrifices were necessary to improve myself and the world around me. I started with my new years resolutions:
1) Be in less of a state when writing goals for 2013
2) Stronger, Fitter, Heavier
3) Get one piece of writing published
4) Make any one other person smile everyday
5) 2:1 or better
6) Find joy in the things I do and spread joy amongst others
7) Never give up on something I believe in
The first thing that strikes me is how many of these things I failed at! Particularly 3 and 5 - I graduated with a 2:2 in sport and exercise science from Sheffield Hallam and, though I don't think it will make a difference in the long run (my CV still says "2nd class honours" and nobody ever asks), it was dissapointing to miss my goal. I am still proud to have graduated at the first attempt after facing some of the darkest days and nights of my life. The published writing thing is a goal I forgot that I had...!
I think I can conclusively say that I've achieved the first goal but by luck more than judgement - last night was my first alcohol free night for something like 10 days. I love it when my social life gets hectic but I start to resent myself after prolonged periods of abusing my liver!
The rest of my goals fall somewhere between failure and success. I am certainly heavier and close to my peak weight but I don't feel very strong or very fit at the moment. This is partly to do with the fact that I am out of training due to the fact that I have been focussing much of my effort on my professional life, but also simply because my training cycle tends to peak during the summer months. I expect to be the strongest, heaviest ane fittest I have ever been come May/June 2013 and this is very much due to the foundations which I laid down earlier this year by training hard during the tennis season. I feel that this is a success.
The rest of my goals are hard to measure and, I guess, represent my underlying values. The smile goal was particularly interesting and was one of the best things I have ever challenged myself to do. I found that it was actually fairly straightforward - all you need to do is devote 5 minutes of your day to somebody else... let them know they are cared about. I think it is something we should all endeavor to do - the world can be a cold, heartless place, but we are all cared for by somebody and we all know people we care about. Perhaps we should let each other know a little more often that we're not alone. It is likely that I failed this goal as I think there are likely to be days where I didn't really speak to anybody. Regardless, I feel like I succeeded as I kept this goal in my mind every day and still deliberately adhered to it as recently as yesterday.
I will always remember 2012 for... The summer months I spent with Saskia, Teresa & the nutters at the Pack Horse
My proudest moment of 2012 was... being woken by a phone call from work saying that they needed me there ASAP and subsequently working as hard as I ever have to "save the day" and, as a consequence, securing a significant amount of contracted hours.
My highlight of 2012 was... Sitting in my graduation gown having a fabulous meal with my mum, dad and grandma on the day of my 22nd in my favourite city in the whole wide world. Something of a collectors item and a memory I will cherish forever.
I probably should have... thought a little less and acted a little more
I probably shouldn't have... drank so much!
I have learnt... that hard work, dedication and belief in myself DOES get rewarded but there is nothing more important in life than occasionally putting it all to one side to share in experiences with the people you love.
Finally... I have made many new friends in 2012 and shared some amazing experiences with the people around me. Unfortunately many of those around me also suffered the loss of Terry Faye - a man who I feel I owe a lot to. Terry's friendly nature and the way he welcomed me the first time I played poker made me feel comfortable in an environment which has now become like a second home for me. Without him I would perhaps not have made some of the friends that I've made, not made some of the amazing memories and quite simply, not be the same person I am today. Thanks for everything Tezza, I miss you.
I will write my goals for 2013 in another post at another time. I'm going to sit here and reflect for a little while longer first. Here's to 2012
1) Be in less of a state when writing goals for 2013
2) Stronger, Fitter, Heavier
3) Get one piece of writing published
4) Make any one other person smile everyday
5) 2:1 or better
6) Find joy in the things I do and spread joy amongst others
7) Never give up on something I believe in
The first thing that strikes me is how many of these things I failed at! Particularly 3 and 5 - I graduated with a 2:2 in sport and exercise science from Sheffield Hallam and, though I don't think it will make a difference in the long run (my CV still says "2nd class honours" and nobody ever asks), it was dissapointing to miss my goal. I am still proud to have graduated at the first attempt after facing some of the darkest days and nights of my life. The published writing thing is a goal I forgot that I had...!
I think I can conclusively say that I've achieved the first goal but by luck more than judgement - last night was my first alcohol free night for something like 10 days. I love it when my social life gets hectic but I start to resent myself after prolonged periods of abusing my liver!
The rest of my goals fall somewhere between failure and success. I am certainly heavier and close to my peak weight but I don't feel very strong or very fit at the moment. This is partly to do with the fact that I am out of training due to the fact that I have been focussing much of my effort on my professional life, but also simply because my training cycle tends to peak during the summer months. I expect to be the strongest, heaviest ane fittest I have ever been come May/June 2013 and this is very much due to the foundations which I laid down earlier this year by training hard during the tennis season. I feel that this is a success.
The rest of my goals are hard to measure and, I guess, represent my underlying values. The smile goal was particularly interesting and was one of the best things I have ever challenged myself to do. I found that it was actually fairly straightforward - all you need to do is devote 5 minutes of your day to somebody else... let them know they are cared about. I think it is something we should all endeavor to do - the world can be a cold, heartless place, but we are all cared for by somebody and we all know people we care about. Perhaps we should let each other know a little more often that we're not alone. It is likely that I failed this goal as I think there are likely to be days where I didn't really speak to anybody. Regardless, I feel like I succeeded as I kept this goal in my mind every day and still deliberately adhered to it as recently as yesterday.
I will always remember 2012 for... The summer months I spent with Saskia, Teresa & the nutters at the Pack Horse
My proudest moment of 2012 was... being woken by a phone call from work saying that they needed me there ASAP and subsequently working as hard as I ever have to "save the day" and, as a consequence, securing a significant amount of contracted hours.
My highlight of 2012 was... Sitting in my graduation gown having a fabulous meal with my mum, dad and grandma on the day of my 22nd in my favourite city in the whole wide world. Something of a collectors item and a memory I will cherish forever.
I probably should have... thought a little less and acted a little more
I probably shouldn't have... drank so much!
I have learnt... that hard work, dedication and belief in myself DOES get rewarded but there is nothing more important in life than occasionally putting it all to one side to share in experiences with the people you love.
Finally... I have made many new friends in 2012 and shared some amazing experiences with the people around me. Unfortunately many of those around me also suffered the loss of Terry Faye - a man who I feel I owe a lot to. Terry's friendly nature and the way he welcomed me the first time I played poker made me feel comfortable in an environment which has now become like a second home for me. Without him I would perhaps not have made some of the friends that I've made, not made some of the amazing memories and quite simply, not be the same person I am today. Thanks for everything Tezza, I miss you.
I will write my goals for 2013 in another post at another time. I'm going to sit here and reflect for a little while longer first. Here's to 2012
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Chasing Butterflies
Sunshine,
Summertime,
Chasing butterflies,
Racing riverside,
Daylight stutters by,
Night-time: come alive,
Day-time: just survive.
Hazy, heady, hateful, headache.
Appetite diminished,
Heartbreak.
A masterpiece, perfected plan,
Unravelled by the hands of man.
Sonata on a broken lute -
A ditty on a crooked flute,
Sordid, imperfected tune.
Ashes smoulder at my feet,
Another sundance, now complete.
Another stable torn to pieces,
Another victim of disease.
And the only colour left at all,
Stood by a crumbled, fallen, wall,
A rainbow moth trapped in a jar,
A pretty little summer scar;
Tattooed upon this broken structure,
A little to remind me of the,
Sunshine,
Summer,
Summertime,
When we went chasing butterflies.
Summertime,
Chasing butterflies,
Racing riverside,
Daylight stutters by,
Night-time: come alive,
Day-time: just survive.
Hazy, heady, hateful, headache.
Appetite diminished,
Heartbreak.
A masterpiece, perfected plan,
Unravelled by the hands of man.
Sonata on a broken lute -
A ditty on a crooked flute,
Sordid, imperfected tune.
Ashes smoulder at my feet,
Another sundance, now complete.
Another stable torn to pieces,
Another victim of disease.
And the only colour left at all,
Stood by a crumbled, fallen, wall,
A rainbow moth trapped in a jar,
A pretty little summer scar;
Tattooed upon this broken structure,
A little to remind me of the,
Sunshine,
Summer,
Summertime,
When we went chasing butterflies.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Lucid Dreaming
I experienced lucid dreaming for the second, maybe third, time today. It is such a bizarre sensation that I thought I would try to write about it.
For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is a dream where a person becomes aware that they are dreaming but does not wake up. Once a dreamer is aware of the fact they are dreaming they are able to shape the dream and influence it's occurrences.
The first time it happened to me I found it really scary. I thought I was trapped in the dream and didn't know how I was going to wake myself up. Part of me thought I was dead or comatose - unable to get back to "normal life." Today I experienced these thoughts once again but had a little more knowledge on my side.
One problem with lucid dreaming is that it is very confusing for me. My mind is basically stuck in the state most people get into when they have just woken up - I have only ever experienced lucid dreaming when I have been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and have decided to nap during the day. Since I am already functioning sub-optimally, throw into the mix the fact that much of my brain is switched off in order to keep me asleep and you can begin to see why comprehending what is happening can sometimes be a little difficult.
Today my dream became REALLY difficult to keep track of since there were three levels of dream (I know, Inception right!). In the "top" level I was controlling the dreams and was aware that I was doing so. It still felt like it was actually happening though. At one point I remember I was sat on the floor of a bus stop, next to a friend. She had her leg resting across my ankle and I remember thinking "I know this is not real but I am sure I can feel it." It didn't matter what I did in the dream the sensations I experienced felt like they were genuinely happening (what I am saying is that it is likely there was nothing actually on my leg - my brain was just convinced that there was despite knowing that there wasn't! So strange). This level was non-sequitur and the location and people would change drastically each time I visited it.
When I "woke" from the top level I found myself in the middle level of the dream. This was really confusing for me as I genuinely thought I was awake in the middle level. At one point I was somewhere between the two levels - I was conscious of the fact that the scene playing out didn't exist the way it felt to me but I thought one of the people in the dream was with me in the actual room in level 2 (which I thought was the real world). At this point I was scared because the person was telling me that I was talking to two people in the real world who didn't exist and also to the person herself... who did. I hugged the person and asked her not to leave me - I was once again stuck unable to wake from my lucid dream and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
Eventually I realised that the middle level was also a dream and decided it was OK to "sleep" in the middle level and experience lucid dreams at the top level. I did this a couple of times and, as I said before, the dreams at the top level were totally different each time, but I kept waking to the same scene in the middle level and would often get confused and think that it was real.
I taught myself a trick to know when I was genuinely in the real world. If, when I thought I was awake, I looked to the right and saw a red box above my wardrobes, I knew I was actually awake - the scene to my right in the middle level was not identical to my bedroom; which was where I knew I must be sleeping.
I woke up properly a couple of times but decided to go back to sleep. The strange thing about lucid dreaming is that you can pick up where you left off previously. I would just close my eyes and be back in the top level. Every time I woke from there I seemed to be in the middle level but I was beginning to learn how to control the middle level so that I could wake if I wanted to, or just return to the top level. I still found it a little confusing and scary but was much more comfortable with it once I had taught myself to be able to wake up.
I'm looking forward to the next time this happens as I believe I was starting to exert a lot of control over it. It is said to be a skill which many can use to relax and develop mental strength and tranquillity - similar to meditation.
And no, I don't do drugs!
For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is a dream where a person becomes aware that they are dreaming but does not wake up. Once a dreamer is aware of the fact they are dreaming they are able to shape the dream and influence it's occurrences.
The first time it happened to me I found it really scary. I thought I was trapped in the dream and didn't know how I was going to wake myself up. Part of me thought I was dead or comatose - unable to get back to "normal life." Today I experienced these thoughts once again but had a little more knowledge on my side.
One problem with lucid dreaming is that it is very confusing for me. My mind is basically stuck in the state most people get into when they have just woken up - I have only ever experienced lucid dreaming when I have been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and have decided to nap during the day. Since I am already functioning sub-optimally, throw into the mix the fact that much of my brain is switched off in order to keep me asleep and you can begin to see why comprehending what is happening can sometimes be a little difficult.
Today my dream became REALLY difficult to keep track of since there were three levels of dream (I know, Inception right!). In the "top" level I was controlling the dreams and was aware that I was doing so. It still felt like it was actually happening though. At one point I remember I was sat on the floor of a bus stop, next to a friend. She had her leg resting across my ankle and I remember thinking "I know this is not real but I am sure I can feel it." It didn't matter what I did in the dream the sensations I experienced felt like they were genuinely happening (what I am saying is that it is likely there was nothing actually on my leg - my brain was just convinced that there was despite knowing that there wasn't! So strange). This level was non-sequitur and the location and people would change drastically each time I visited it.
When I "woke" from the top level I found myself in the middle level of the dream. This was really confusing for me as I genuinely thought I was awake in the middle level. At one point I was somewhere between the two levels - I was conscious of the fact that the scene playing out didn't exist the way it felt to me but I thought one of the people in the dream was with me in the actual room in level 2 (which I thought was the real world). At this point I was scared because the person was telling me that I was talking to two people in the real world who didn't exist and also to the person herself... who did. I hugged the person and asked her not to leave me - I was once again stuck unable to wake from my lucid dream and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
Eventually I realised that the middle level was also a dream and decided it was OK to "sleep" in the middle level and experience lucid dreams at the top level. I did this a couple of times and, as I said before, the dreams at the top level were totally different each time, but I kept waking to the same scene in the middle level and would often get confused and think that it was real.
I taught myself a trick to know when I was genuinely in the real world. If, when I thought I was awake, I looked to the right and saw a red box above my wardrobes, I knew I was actually awake - the scene to my right in the middle level was not identical to my bedroom; which was where I knew I must be sleeping.
I woke up properly a couple of times but decided to go back to sleep. The strange thing about lucid dreaming is that you can pick up where you left off previously. I would just close my eyes and be back in the top level. Every time I woke from there I seemed to be in the middle level but I was beginning to learn how to control the middle level so that I could wake if I wanted to, or just return to the top level. I still found it a little confusing and scary but was much more comfortable with it once I had taught myself to be able to wake up.
I'm looking forward to the next time this happens as I believe I was starting to exert a lot of control over it. It is said to be a skill which many can use to relax and develop mental strength and tranquillity - similar to meditation.
And no, I don't do drugs!
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Changes: Week 1 Review
Just over a week ago I set myself the following 6 rules:
1) No Caffeine
2) No Alcohol
3) Positive Mental Attitude
4) Save Money
5) Keep Smiling
6) Stay Fit
I may not stick to them forever but I hope to make some positive changes in my life by following them strictly for as long as I deem necessary/possible.
I feel I have made a fairly good start to my campaign and I hope that by reviewing each rule individually I can identify and monitor my progress as each week passes.
1) No Caffeine - The area of my life where this was really starting to become a habit was at work: I would almost invariably have a can of coke during a shift at work to give me a boost during the second half of my shift; I worked 3 times in the last week and got by without one. Unfortunately I inadvertently consumed caffeine earlier this evening whilst drinking Irn Bru. I didn't realise that it contained caffeine until I checked the label, having already consumed almost 1 litre of the stuff. Overall I am pleased with my effort
2) No Alcohol - So far so good. Socially, this rule is a nightmare! In the pub on Monday I endured a constant barrage of comments which were, in the main, attempts to goad me into breaking at least one of my newly implemented rules. It was all "banter" and I took it as it was meant. I do feel, however, that I ended up somewhat fading into the background in an environment where I would normally be wallowing in the thick of the action. Perhaps this difference is perceptive rather than an actuality - I know I was also tired and hungry at the time.
On the two other occasions this week when I was out and about with friends I had mixed results. Wednesday I had a great time in the pub on a spontaneous little Culcheth evening. I invented the "lime bomb" - the non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, jaegerbomb equivalent - and stayed up til the early hours playing amusing party games. Thursday I did a sober night out in Leigh... I won't be doing that again.
Overall I feel that this rule will be a very difficult one to maintain - although I feel like I should be strong enough to just be myself, be comfortable with myself and enjoy myself whilst sober, there are certain environments where I am highly self-conscious and hyper-critical of my worth - the occasional hangover and mild liver-damage may end up feeling like a small price to pay to alleviate those thoughts. The praise I have received from people who I hold in high regard is what I am trying to focus on, as well as the money I'm saving.
3) Positive Mental Attitude - This rule is very, very difficult for me. Sometimes I just feel low. The times where I am suffering lows of mood are painfully obvious to those who are close to me. I try to hide it but I just can't approach the world with the same enthusiasm when something is troubling me. Often when I talk to people about it they become frustrated with me because I am stubborn and they are unable to positively affect my mood. I have a belief that lows of mood are part and parcel of life and that it will be that way for as long as I live - I don't think they can be avoided. Because of this, when I feel low, I just try to accept that I am low and that is just the way that it is. The whole time I am feeling that way I am still focused on two positive things: a) this feeling will pass b) I am going to be successful. A cuddle and a change of subject usually helps though - I'll be thinking you're a ******* for trying to solve all my problems with such a simple solution but I'll also be admiring your audacity, bravery and effort.
That little tangent aside, I have, on reflection, had a good week. I've worked 3 times, which is a decent amount of shifts for me. I won Monday Night Poker for the first time ever, which is especially positive considering I wasn't going to bother with it at all. I've spent lots of time with my friends, which never fails to make me happy. And I've stuck to my rules almost perfectly - proof that the tenacious little monster inside of me is still there and prepared to help me achieve all of my ambitions. I need to keep focusing on the little victories - they are the foot holes in the mountain I am determined to climb.
4) Save Money - I think it's crass to publish actual figures in my blog (not that any of the figures I'd be posting would be significant), but if I think of my incomings this week as 3 shifts worth of money + the added bonus of my poker winnings, then I have definitely had a week where I have greater incomings than outgoings. I hope I can continue to accumulate money in order to build the required finance to achieve some of my life goals.
5) Keep Smiling - I need to try harder with this one. I have probably spent the vast majority of the week with a smile on my face but I have occasionally allowed myself to indulge in my own self-pity a little too often. Writing this review has made me realise that it was foolish of me to have gotten down over some of the things which have bothered me in the last 7 days.
6) Keep Fit - I have tried hard with this goal but it has definitely been a source of frustration for me recently. I am suffering from arm pain similar to that which put me in hospital - it is likely to be anxiety-related rather than muscle damage but it is still preventing me from training at the level that I would like to be training at. I am hoping that I can work through it and learn to find a way to cope. In the meantime I am training in short 30-minute sessions at least once every 2 days.
The biggest thing I have learnt this week as a result of these changes is that I seem to derive my pleasure mainly from others. This is evident in my week's highlights:
On Monday my highlight was seeing everybody drinking the jaegerbombs I'd promised to buy if I won the poker tournament - sitting in the corner of the pub watching the chaos evolving around me I couldn't help feeling like I was part of something that I didn't really belong to - at the same time, though, it was satisfying knowing that I was watching something that I'd been part of so many times before.
On Wednesday my highlight was walking the dogs of Radcliffe Farm with my new-found international friends. Throwing a stick for a golden retriever is a simple pleasure but it is one where I feel competent, confident and... wanted(?) - things that I often have to bluff at in other situations. It made me particularly happy when said golden retriever came running after me when it was time for me to leave. I wish I had that effect on everybody!
On Thursday (super early in the morning) my highlight was playing Lodden Thinks and the game where you have a famous person's name on your head and have to guess who it is. I ended up crying laughing - I actually felt sort of drunk at the time, but I was just really enjoying the stupidity and simplicity of our evenings events and how much joy they were bringing to everybody involved.
Here's hoping the next week can be as successful as this one has been.
1) No Caffeine
2) No Alcohol
3) Positive Mental Attitude
4) Save Money
5) Keep Smiling
6) Stay Fit
I may not stick to them forever but I hope to make some positive changes in my life by following them strictly for as long as I deem necessary/possible.
I feel I have made a fairly good start to my campaign and I hope that by reviewing each rule individually I can identify and monitor my progress as each week passes.
1) No Caffeine - The area of my life where this was really starting to become a habit was at work: I would almost invariably have a can of coke during a shift at work to give me a boost during the second half of my shift; I worked 3 times in the last week and got by without one. Unfortunately I inadvertently consumed caffeine earlier this evening whilst drinking Irn Bru. I didn't realise that it contained caffeine until I checked the label, having already consumed almost 1 litre of the stuff. Overall I am pleased with my effort
2) No Alcohol - So far so good. Socially, this rule is a nightmare! In the pub on Monday I endured a constant barrage of comments which were, in the main, attempts to goad me into breaking at least one of my newly implemented rules. It was all "banter" and I took it as it was meant. I do feel, however, that I ended up somewhat fading into the background in an environment where I would normally be wallowing in the thick of the action. Perhaps this difference is perceptive rather than an actuality - I know I was also tired and hungry at the time.
On the two other occasions this week when I was out and about with friends I had mixed results. Wednesday I had a great time in the pub on a spontaneous little Culcheth evening. I invented the "lime bomb" - the non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, jaegerbomb equivalent - and stayed up til the early hours playing amusing party games. Thursday I did a sober night out in Leigh... I won't be doing that again.
Overall I feel that this rule will be a very difficult one to maintain - although I feel like I should be strong enough to just be myself, be comfortable with myself and enjoy myself whilst sober, there are certain environments where I am highly self-conscious and hyper-critical of my worth - the occasional hangover and mild liver-damage may end up feeling like a small price to pay to alleviate those thoughts. The praise I have received from people who I hold in high regard is what I am trying to focus on, as well as the money I'm saving.
3) Positive Mental Attitude - This rule is very, very difficult for me. Sometimes I just feel low. The times where I am suffering lows of mood are painfully obvious to those who are close to me. I try to hide it but I just can't approach the world with the same enthusiasm when something is troubling me. Often when I talk to people about it they become frustrated with me because I am stubborn and they are unable to positively affect my mood. I have a belief that lows of mood are part and parcel of life and that it will be that way for as long as I live - I don't think they can be avoided. Because of this, when I feel low, I just try to accept that I am low and that is just the way that it is. The whole time I am feeling that way I am still focused on two positive things: a) this feeling will pass b) I am going to be successful. A cuddle and a change of subject usually helps though - I'll be thinking you're a ******* for trying to solve all my problems with such a simple solution but I'll also be admiring your audacity, bravery and effort.
That little tangent aside, I have, on reflection, had a good week. I've worked 3 times, which is a decent amount of shifts for me. I won Monday Night Poker for the first time ever, which is especially positive considering I wasn't going to bother with it at all. I've spent lots of time with my friends, which never fails to make me happy. And I've stuck to my rules almost perfectly - proof that the tenacious little monster inside of me is still there and prepared to help me achieve all of my ambitions. I need to keep focusing on the little victories - they are the foot holes in the mountain I am determined to climb.
4) Save Money - I think it's crass to publish actual figures in my blog (not that any of the figures I'd be posting would be significant), but if I think of my incomings this week as 3 shifts worth of money + the added bonus of my poker winnings, then I have definitely had a week where I have greater incomings than outgoings. I hope I can continue to accumulate money in order to build the required finance to achieve some of my life goals.
5) Keep Smiling - I need to try harder with this one. I have probably spent the vast majority of the week with a smile on my face but I have occasionally allowed myself to indulge in my own self-pity a little too often. Writing this review has made me realise that it was foolish of me to have gotten down over some of the things which have bothered me in the last 7 days.
6) Keep Fit - I have tried hard with this goal but it has definitely been a source of frustration for me recently. I am suffering from arm pain similar to that which put me in hospital - it is likely to be anxiety-related rather than muscle damage but it is still preventing me from training at the level that I would like to be training at. I am hoping that I can work through it and learn to find a way to cope. In the meantime I am training in short 30-minute sessions at least once every 2 days.
The biggest thing I have learnt this week as a result of these changes is that I seem to derive my pleasure mainly from others. This is evident in my week's highlights:
On Monday my highlight was seeing everybody drinking the jaegerbombs I'd promised to buy if I won the poker tournament - sitting in the corner of the pub watching the chaos evolving around me I couldn't help feeling like I was part of something that I didn't really belong to - at the same time, though, it was satisfying knowing that I was watching something that I'd been part of so many times before.
On Wednesday my highlight was walking the dogs of Radcliffe Farm with my new-found international friends. Throwing a stick for a golden retriever is a simple pleasure but it is one where I feel competent, confident and... wanted(?) - things that I often have to bluff at in other situations. It made me particularly happy when said golden retriever came running after me when it was time for me to leave. I wish I had that effect on everybody!
On Thursday (super early in the morning) my highlight was playing Lodden Thinks and the game where you have a famous person's name on your head and have to guess who it is. I ended up crying laughing - I actually felt sort of drunk at the time, but I was just really enjoying the stupidity and simplicity of our evenings events and how much joy they were bringing to everybody involved.
Here's hoping the next week can be as successful as this one has been.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Changes
I've been lamenting a lot recently about the stagnicity of my life at present. I've talked in depth, with several people, about the fact that there are many things in my life right now which I have little/no control over and the frustration that it causes me. Tonight I am resolving to change the things that I CAN change, using my blog as a public record of my efforts.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
I have decided on some rules and I am hoping that the sum total of following these rules will lead to better health for me, mentally and physically:
Rule 1: NO caffiene... I successful gave up caffiene a few years ago and didn't touch the stuff for a long, long time. I experienced better sleep, less anxiety, heightened natural concentration and just generally felt good about myself. I eventually allowed myself to have the odd bottle of coke as a "treat" which has lead to my full-blown abuse of the rule when drunk. I have relapsed severely and will address this by going cold turkey.
Rule 2: NO alcohol... another vice which I have successfully avoided in the past. It is almost socially unacceptable to be a non-drinker but I feel that drinking leaves me under the illusion that I am more likable when I am not sober. If this IS the case then I will endeavour to improve my sober personality. If it is not the case then I will only come to realise this by staying sober. I'm am toying with the idea of allowing myself to break this rule for 90 minutes a week when watching MUFC play live, though I may choose to go completely cold turkey for the sake of making the accomplishment more pure.
Rule 3: Positive Mental Attitude... I was most successful during the time of my life where I focused on my cummulative achievements in a day (no matter how small), as opposed to being frustrated with the things I had failed to achieve. I intend to go back to celebrating the little victories and I am certain that, long term, they will combine to become my biggest successes.
Rule 4: Save Save Save!... I will aim to spend less money per week than I am earning. Although this won't be easy, due to the nature of my wage, I intend to ensure that my income is greater than my expenditure week-on-week for the foreseeable future. I hope that spending £0 per week on alcohol will go a long way toward resolving this
Rule 5: Smile. If I honestly can't find a reason to do so. I'm going to go out into the world and knock down doors until I find one
BONUS Rule 6: Stay fit... I will strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day. If it is 10pm and I have not exercised since waking I will do 50 sit-ups. I will try to ensure that I do not break this rule 2 days running.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Anxiety and Depression: Reflection
I feel really quite sad at the moment.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
I think part of the reason I started writing this blog is so that I can document my thoughts and feelings at exact moments in time, due to the fact that many of my views are fluid and constantly evolve. With that in mind, I have chosen to write while I am in my present state, as it is a place I have found myself many times before.
I think of this state of mind as "psychological hangover" because it almost always happens to me after I have had some sort of emotional high. On this occassion, that is exactly the case. I am currently home alone after 2 days of being social, partying and generally having a good time. Early on Tuesday morning I found myself in the most bizarre scenario in my recent memory - sat on a pile of hay in a field, still drunk from the night before, laughing and joking with two people I've only just got to know and the farmer who owns the field, whilst cows grazed around us...
Being there came at no personal cost to myself and it was such a simple thing, but I've realised that, for a small moment in time, I was as happy as I have been for a long, long time. Perhaps that is more indicative of the quality of my recent experiences, than of the goodness of the moment, but I am grateful that it happened and I think it has given me lots to think about.
I obsess over money. We all know there are more important things than being rich and I, personally, believe it is foolish and crass the way many see affluence as a scoring system; but I see money as a tool which, if used properly, can be used to cause happiness and well-being in myself and those around me. When a lack of money prevents me from sharing in experiences with friends or family I feel sad. And, for all the cliches in the world about things that money can't buy, there are some things that you can't do without it.
Isn't it fitting, then, that my last experience of raw, overwhelming, happiness didn't cost a penny. Except it did. Because if I hadn't have been in the pub I would never have met them - and if I hadn't have been playing poker I wouldn't have been in the pub - and if I hadn't have had any money I wouldn't have been playing poker.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a problem; it merely illustrates my point: money is a tool which allows you to manufacture situations where you can experience and share happiness. I hope that doesn't seem too depressing a conclusion. I don't think it's the money which makes people happy, it's the experiences which we share and the people who we share them with, but I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to make new/maintain current social relationships without the right tools.... money being the main one.
Anyway, none of this is why I am sad. I am sad because the last few days have perfectly exhibited a notion which I was already painfully aware of: happiness is fleeting. Every day of our lives is a trudge through thick, heavy, rain-soaked, pock-marked terrain, in an attempt to enjoy a brief moment basking in the sunshine at the peak, before continuing onwards in search of something higher.
I'm not complaining, nor am I expecting that to change. It is what it is and at my core I know it's all worth it. But right now it has left me feeling down. I'm sure I'll feel different in the morning.
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